The abuser

There was a woman at work who was being abused. I didn’t know the whole story. I heard snippets from other women who had an opinion about it. I don’t know if it was physical but there was definitely emotional abuse from what I heard.  I never spoke to the woman.  She never opened up to me. 

Two days ago I sat outside and her now ex bf came to talk to me. He lamented over the demise of the relationship.  He spoke about how her colleague got involved and forced her to break up with him. 

Listening to him, I was swayed. I felt his pain.  His sorrow. I felt his love for this woman.  And suddenly he seemed like a really decent guy.

It’s the same with the man who abused my ex’s sister. He seemed nice. When he spoke to me he seemed like a really great guy who had a shitty life. Even my ex fell for how much he said he’d loved my ex’s sister and allowed the relationship despite his doubts. 

And thats the thing.  Abusive men aren’t obvious douchebags. They can seem nice, they do know how to be good. They seem genuine and real and amazing. 

But they’re not. And a woman who stays Is labelled a woman who likes bad boys,  or drama or has no sense of self worth or who is dumb… They blame the woman for staying because she should know better. 

But really all she’s doing is loving a man who she thinks is beautiful and good and probably treats her fairly well 80% of the time. And maybe her self esteem is low and she doesn’t think she can do better. Or maybe she’s been through worse and thinks that this is as good as it gets. Or maybe she doesn’t want to start all over again or she thinks he can change or she believes love is meant to be hard… Or maybe she grew up exposed to abuse and for her it’s normal.

Abuse is much deeper than what’s he’s doing is wrong and you should leave. It scars you for life. It breaks you.

Never judge another’s situation that you don’t understand firsthand and that you haven’t experienced.  It’s the same with weight and sexual orientation and identity.

This sounds preachy but I feel ppl can be really harsh. They throw oneline platitudes at you and expect you to change. They mock you behind your back.  They’re mean even though they’re saying that they want to help.

It’s almost as if they take the problem personally. They see the solution as a simple click off. And yes it may be that, but real life is complicated. 

I don’t know what I’m on about. I’m rambling. I feel like the world’s falling to pieces and my only advice is be kind, be gentle…

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