A new start

The more I think about it, the more I realise that as much as it hurts, my flatmate and my boyfriend left my life at the same time for a reason. I needed them out of my life.

For three years they were the two people I spent most of my time with and two people who drove me crazy. 

All three of us are Capricorns.  Don’t think that matters. But sometimes I think it made us clash.

My roommate and I started off on the worst note. She broke my harddrive while swinging it, and I lost four years of photos that I had no other back up of. She pretended it wasn’t her fault and never replaced the harddrive. Nor tried to get it fixed.

My boyfriend and I also started rocky. I was the other woman. But we ended it. And worked on ourselves. And six months later when he came back to me, I figured he was there because he wanted me and was ready to work through things. 

When he came back, my roommate felt like he had betrayed her even though she hadn’t been there for me when I was falling apart. She treated him badly and it drew another wedge in the relationship because he never felt comfortable at my place.

There was a lot that my roommate had said and done that I felt I just couldn’t forgive her for. She’d mocked my efforts to lose weight, told me that i didn’t have the ability to reach for my.dreams, tried to control me and was never there for me when I was sick or broken 

On the flip side, I forgave my boyfriend for too much and too quickly . I put up with things I shouldn’t have. Last night in yearning for him, I yelled at myself to have some self respect. I felt… I feel deeply connected to him. Maybe I’m just too attached. I made him my world. While accepting that I was just an option to him.

Last year sometime, I told my flatmate that we were no longer friends. I’d known her for ten years prior to moving in together. Her response was that I don’t know what friendship is. I felt treated her as just a flatmate and not a friend curbed the resentment and expectation and stopped me trying to meet her needs when mine weren’t met. 

His break up came like a shock to me. Because I’d loved him completely and over compensated to ensure that he knew how much I cared for him. When he ended it it felt like he had rejected all of me. The truth is, I don’t think he loved me this year. I think he’s been drifting away since last November.  Since things first went shit. He stayed because it was easier than leaving.  But I felt the distance. There’d be sprouts of love every now and then and I held on to those moments. But I said repeatedly, that it didn’t feel like I was the one for him. The one who he couldn’t live without.  I wasn’t the one who made him pass the point of no return and never look back. 

So this July I lost both of them. And this August they both leave my life for good.

I’ve said everything I could say to the boyfriend. There’s nothing left to talk about. His love and kindness this weekend was probably more guilt than love. With my ex, I had once asked for space just to clear my head and think things through and he said that the only time you end a relationship for space is when you know it’s not what you want and just don’t know how else to say it. He was right. I’d been trying to break up with him for a while. And the moment it ended, I moved on. I never thought about going back to him.

I need to accept that he’s gone.  If he wanted to be here with me, he’d be here with me. I get that men need space. But that doesn’t mean there’s hope he’ll come back. He may never come back. 

As for my roommate,  she moves out today. After the debates of what is mine and hers are done,  she will leave and I’ll never see her or hear from her again. I’ll email her and apologise and thank her for the good times. And that’s that.

Two people who had made this city for me. Who are in every happy moment of mine over the last three years. Both gone in the same month at the same time.

And then it’ll be September.  Spring. The season of rejuvenation and life. The time to clean out the cobwebs and throw out the junk.

I will enter a new phase of my life. A clean start.  a new chapter. And slowly I will blossom into the women I was meant to be.