Stop it now. You’ve tried everything. You’ve failed. Let him go. Let it go.
It’s completely over for him.
It needs to be for you too.
Your best friend
The weekend was an extremely emotional one. I admit, I went with my ex armed with a million ways to be a better girlfriend and make the relationship work.
As he has been for the last month, he was an immovable force. The words change but the message is always the same: he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
I feel like he broke up with me four times in one month. The weekend really put it in perspective for me.
He walked away a month ago.
He was amazing. He was the perfect boyfriend. He had a myriad of opportunities to put me down but he didn’t.
There was a lot of talking. It was honest and raw and he really tried to be there for me.
There was also a lot of drinking and smoking, possibly to make things more bearable… But I think it made me more emotional.
I cried almost the whole way back yesterday. Seven hours of torture for him. I’m a very silent crier and in the past I could sleep next to him and cry and he wouldn’t notice. For the first time in a long time I felt seen and loved and cared for.
He didn’t get upset or annoyed. He put his hand on my shoulder. I apologised for it being so awkward. And he said no its fine, he had agreed to do the trip with me.
It was the true end of our relationship and also the death of my grans uncle who i loved and the realisation that my roommate is moving out a month earlier than planned and I need to get my shit together because I can’t afford the place on my own.
And when I found out about my uncle, he held me. He was the most attentive and concerned and caring than he’s ever been. It’s as if for that weekend I was a priority.
He told me that he still loves and cares for me but needs time and space…. But also that he couldn’t be in a relationship right now while dealing with it.
I made its over jokes. I tried everything. And he stayed calm and not once did he break me down.
Maybe he was trying to contain me so that I didn’t go crazy. Maybe he was just so numb that he had nothing to fight for or fight about.
In the past when wed broken up he’d ask me why I was still around. And I said it was because I still loved and cared for him. That it all just didn’t end. But in those moments he could just walk away. Without looking back. Or maybe he pretended to.
It was a very emotional weekend. I wanted to be the one who walked away with the upper hand. I wanted to be fun and amazing so that he remembers me that way.
It’s just been such a hard month. Two months. Year. I broke. And instead of being amazing, I was a wreck.
But it’s over.
I need to walk away now.
I need to close the door.
I was super drunk when we got back. He let me pass out on his bed. Then drove to fetch my key. Get his stuff. He came back, picked me up and took me home. Then he took a cab back to his place.
There was nothing more to say. He kissed me gently. He’s usual three kisses. But they were soft and caring. Then said “we’ll talk” and left.
I know we won’t. I know he’s done. I can feel it.
This weekend he also reminded me of the man I first fell in love with. And how little I’ve experienced that man this year. How stressed we’ve both been. And how little we just gave each other love.
There’s a guy at work trying to chat me up. And for moments it’s exciting. But it’s too soon.
I just want to disappear now. Move out. Find a new place. A new job. A new city.
I’m done here. I feel I’ve failed at everything I tried to achieve.
But that’s OK.
I’m walking away now.