Have you ever felt so confused and lost that you forget how to behave. you forget how to hold yourself together. You lose control.
I know I’m being a bitch to my roommate. But she’s taking stuff that belongs to me and stuff we bought together. Plus I need to pay her her deposit money plus interest. So I need to ensure everything is in order and doesn’t become my burden.
As I got home, my neighbour came in and chatted for an hour and I just didn’t have the energy.
I managed to get my cat somewhere and managed to sort out my stuff from the fridge.
But I’m drained. I need to do my cv. Apply for jobs. Move out of my current situation. Next weekend is busy too cos my sisters in town.
And I just want time and space to heal. At the back of my head all I think about is my ex being done with me. After three years. Of me being there for him. Of us working towards something. He just leaves. Doesn’t look back.
I’m drowning. I want to kick and scream and fight but I’m so far under that all effort is just consumed by water.
I know I’ll get passed this. I know human beings are resilient. I’m just so broken I don’t think I’ll feel whole again. Certain wounds stay forever. And while I’ve dealt with things, the wounds are still there.
My company is also busy retrenching people and I may be out of a job soon.
Everything’s just crashed. All at once.
And I’m here alone. In an empty apartment.
And I’m drowning.
My ex said it was like everything that happened reached that moment where he disconnected from me.
I feel like everything I tried to become in this city, has come to this moment and I need to get out.