Awareness doesn’t transform the heart

I went to see a shrink the other day. She told me I’m not depressed nor do I have constant mild depression.  I thought this was strange because in December the same shrink had suggested I go on antidepressants and I chose not to.

Either way, she explained why I’m not depressed and said my external factors were bringing me down to the extent that I have no energy, no will, no motivation. 

I’m trying to wonder four years back how this was still true in a different job with a different boyfriend… But looking back won’t provide me a solution. And I’m hunting for solutions right now.

It’s the first time in months that I feel calm. I’m not stressing or panicking or freaking out. Everything will work.out as it should. I’m going with the flow.  Following whatever path follows me.

My heart wanted my ex back. We’re talking. Nothings ascertained. 

The shrink told me that i sound like I’m describing a 21 year old and not a 33 year old when I spoke about my relationship.  She said hes a grown ass man. That breaking up with me when I was sick was not his depression but just bad manners.

I told her about my relationship anxiety and the expectations I may have placed on him.

And she said he doesn’t serve me. Until I start serving myself, my job and my relationship will continue to have a negative influence in my life.

Its an equivalent of love yourself but it’s nowhere near the same. I do love myself. My depression says I hate me but when I question there’s nothing truly that I hate about me.

My issue is that I don’t want anything. I have no ambition. No motivation.  I go day to day without passion. I used to be brimming with passion and excitement and life. And I feel sucked dry. 

I have another appointment with the shrink to work on steps to better serve myself.  She said you start with envisioning your ideal future self and compare to where you are now and create little steps to get there. Only I can’t see a future me. I can’t see anything, not my ideal partner or job or body. 

I’m just empty. 

And I want to stay with my ex because I see him.  I see his beautiful heart. I see the little things he does for me. And we fit. And all I want is him 

People ask me what guy I want, and it’s never changed. I want a Watson to my sherlock.  A Louise to my thelma. A partner in crime.  Someone who’s fun funny smart and full of stupid conversation.  Who gets my puns and loves my blonde intelligence.  Who fits my crazy and never calls me crazy or strange or weird cos he’s too busy being weird with me. Who’s still responsible and together like I am when it comes to handling life. And who wants me as I am. Who craves me… Thirsts for me… 

Is it too much to ask?

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3 thoughts on “Awareness doesn’t transform the heart

  1. That’s not too much to ask at all …. but I don’t think you will find it with someone like him. I can at least agree with what your shrink had to say in regard to him. And of course, being someone that loves him, you will defend all of his good attributes. That’s just what we do. When I was with the man that beat the crap out of me, I still defended him because he had some redeeming qualities. In the end, he was still a crap person that knew how to do good things when he felt like it. Work on you. Whatever you decide to do in regard to him is your business, but if you keep going back and you keep seeing the same pattern of crap that he does – well, then you have to own that decision making on your part. I hope it all works out for you.

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