I hate all those quotes about loneliness.
“you’re never really alone… There’s always someone… You just got to reach out and….”
Blah blah blah
It’s like depression and sadness and dreams. It’s all just lies.
From all my friends and colleagues I’ve spoken to, the ones most adamant that I should leave and never look back are the ones with amazing support systems. There’s always someone around. Friends, family, significant others…
They tell me about self worth. About deserving better. About just walking away.
And I hear them. I see how they see me.
But they don’t know the loneliness. The true depths it reaches. The many different levels.
On the physical level, I have no friends or family around. Ive tried really hard to make friends. But at my age every one has their own lives and responsibilities and no time to build a new meaningful relationship. Also, everyone complains that the people in this city just aren’t friendly. No one cares about you.
I’ve spent months going with people to lunch and never received an invite. They’d call me for lunch every day and then talk about their weekend plans together and never extend an invite.
I’ve spent nights over at people’s places. Shared true stories. And the next day they don’t know you when they’re with their friends. But the whole office knows about your break up.
Then there’s the emotional level. When you’re alone at work and alone when you go home and all you feel is alone. The only call you get every night is from your parents and even they are too busy with your sisters kids to remember to call. When you don’t even enjoy your job, this flow of empty home to empty work office to empty home is soul wrecking.
And lastly the inner loneliness. Where you’ve lied to your parents your whole life and now you live two different lives. Nobody really knows the real you. Nobody really cares. You live in complete isolation. Crying in reality but laughing on the phone.
I’m the most silent cryer in the world. I can lie next to you in bed or sit next to you in a car, and you won’t know I’m crying.
Thats loneliness. It’s not like I can click my fingers and I won’t be alone anymore.
I have no distractions to keep me together. I’ve lost my only friend in the city. And it came out of nowhere. He was depressed. He pulled away.
I’m so broken