I’m not easy

Reading through my journal from over 3 years ago and I realised it’s all me.

I’m reading it and it feels like I wrote it yesterday.  All the same issues, with myself,  with my body, with my finances, with finding a place and with my job.

Bored. Not giving it my all. Getting away with minimal effort.  The difference is at my old job quality was important.  Now no one cares.

And everything with my ex then fits everything with my ex now. I realise I have relationship anxiety and my last relationship made it worse. I would get upset about little things, I didn’t feel supported,  I felt alone in dealing with my life problems. I go on about my then ex not being responsible,  not trying to make things right.

My current ex is right. I didn’t see how he tried. I only saw my idea of what trying was.  And he couldn’t do it my way cos my way was in my head.

I also have high expectations.  Which is probably what keeps me from improving myself.  Statements like “when is he gonna sort out his life’ feels more directed to me.

The biggest difference between then and now: I tried. I put in effort then. I tried to write. Tried to finish a screenplay to get some money. I tried going to gym every day even though I didn’t feel like.

Now I don’t try.  I’ve given up.

The things ive said to my ex were probably as harsh as he says and probably as unforgivable 

 In my head it wasn’t. But reading my journal… It probably wasn’t much about him. More anxiety with my issues about life and my weight and fears I may have. 

It’s all me

Sigh

What’s wrong with me?

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