Insight changes perspective

There’s a lot of things I grew up believing only happened to me because I was fat. 

Little by little, in general conversations, I realise that a lot of the things I believe are because I’m fat actually happen to skinny people to.

For example, theres a skinny girl I chat to quite often. Shes petite. Extremely fit. Works out every day. Is probably a size 6/30 European size. Her t-shirts could be a 28/4. If not smaller.

Talking to her I realised that her thighs also rub together. Yes its on a much smaller level. But the result is the same. Our jeans wear out and tear in-between our thighs.

I spent more of my life thinking this is because I’m fat and skinny people won’t understand. I’d be embarrassed if you could see the thigh wear and tear on my jeans. The thigh gap is not something that automatically happens when you lose weight, unless you become a stick. Margot Robbie trained three hours a day to get her thighs and butt looking that good in Suicide Squad. 

Another thing I spent a lot of my life being embarrassed about: breathlessness walking uphill or up stairs. I’d hide the fact that I couldn’t breathe and end up choking on my breath. I’ve had several experiences with fit skinny people who begin to lose their breath at the same point I do. Sure, they may recover faster. But it is not a fat person thing.

There are tons more: insecurity about your body, self consciousness when eating, inability to find a good fitting jeans… Being single,  being cheated in, self hate, not being picked for a team in PE…

If I was just able to speak out on everything I believe was because I was fat, I’d probably realise that maybe two of them only happened to fat people. It could be things that happen to skinny people too but they don’t take notice of it because they aren’t affected by it.

What’s normal has turned into a million reasons for why I hate being fat and,in essence,  why I hate being me.

I’ve been really struggling to motivate myself to lose weight. I just feel in a rut. Unhappy with my life. Unexcited about waking up. 

Most times when I did manage to lose weight, I wasn’t trying to lose weight at all. I was just in a good mental space. Occupied. Fulfilled. Happy. 

I was reading a list on ways people started to lose weight. They usually start with one thing. Something that they know they are overdoing or not doing at all.

This is the article if you’d like to read it:https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/small-changes-for-weight-loss?utm_term=.tyn71wD1l#.qxvYjvOjG

I feel losing weight is this mammoth task. I have like 45 kg to lose. Two years ago I had 25kg to lose. 

I need to just feel again… Somehow…. Find my happiness.  Find my drive. Find my way out of this hole

Update: I had an interesting comment on how people comment on your size. Just because you wear a big size doesn’t mean you are big. You could be as thin as your bone structure allows. You could be tall. You could be thin with a big bum. 

When I was younger, I had a fairly flat tummy, but big boobs and an even bigger butt. I was thin but I had a shape.  I came from a family of super thin people.  No one else had big boobs or a butt. Everyone has a flat rear.  So I got called flat. 

My ex once looked at a young photo of me, one of the few where I wasn’t wearing a baggy t-shirt and extra large pants. He told me I must have been a heart breaker with that shape.  Instead I was overly self conscious,  I was always insecure about how I looked and I hated my body so much that I wanted to kill myself.

I remember one trying on a fitting dress and my mom told me to return it cos my bum looked massive.

Sigh 

Another interesting comment was that skinny doesn’t mean healthy.  You can be fat and extremely healthy but people assume you aren’t. I always got singled out in school by nurses cos I was overweight. It’s as if you are taught from young that fat is unhealthy and skinny is not. Which isn’t the case at all. You can be skinny with diabetes,  high blood pressure,  high cholesterol… And you can be fat and normal…