With my emails that I sent, I realised that if was more an attempt for me to forgive myself. It wasn’t about all of them. I didn’t want Any of them back in my life. They were just a part of me, weighing me down and whenever I was sad, they all came back. The pain I’d felt with them. Or the pain I may have caused them.
I need to forgive myself. Be okay with me.
Yesterday I published a note on red flags in my current relationship that I had ignored. But there’s many reasons I stayed for that long.
I stayed because I loved him deeply. For some reason, with him and no one else, in the worst of moments, all I felt for him was love and concern. I never felt that hatred I felt when others hurt me. I never felt a deep longing need to exact revenge on him. I believed that my love for him was pure and unconditional. That it could survive anything.
I chose to forgive him for cheating on me. In fact, me still talking about it is unfair. I knew that he would never cheat on me again. Not physically. I knew that he knew how much he had hurt me. And I believed he’d never want to hurt me that much again.
He treated me well. He never hit me. He never put me down in front of others. He never spoke horribly about me behind my back. Well now and then when we were fighting. But he was never mean to me. He was never abusive.
He respected me. Maybe not my time when he was running late. It seems like a small thing to get upset about now. But he respected me as a woman. He treated me well. He made me feel good about myself.
He saw me. He’d pick up little things about me. He’d have those only you moments. Like when I fixed my laptop myself and he called me a nerd and said a normal person would have paid lots of money to do that.
He’d do things he didn’t want to do, just because I wanted to do them… Like wake up at 6am to do a women’s run with me that he wasn’t even registered for. Or like get up on a ladder and fix my light because I didn’t want to pay someone to do it. Or not go pay rugby with his friends because I was stressed out and needed help to pack and make supper. He made me supper quite begrudgingly that night, but he made it. And I appreciated it.
He cuddled really well. He held me all night most nights. We fitted perfectly together.
He got my jokes. As lame as they were.
He’s never done anything malicious to hurt me or to get back at me.
He’s not big on social media. He’s not on tinder or Facebook or any chat sites.
He’s made me a better person. He’s helped me speak out for myself by forcing me to talk. Something I was never able to do.
He’s been patient with me. As my first real boyfriend, I didn’t have the experience to know the difference between a real relationship and a Hollywood relationship. And he was patient with me in finding it out.
He loved me. As much as he could. As best as he knew how.
I was also not perfect. There were a lot of things that I had done to hurt him.
I expected a lot. I pushed him. I kept wanting more
I was insecure and needy
I didn’t tell my family about him and kept him a secret. My friends all knew about him. My family just wouldnt understand right now. And we haven’t been very stable this year.
I can be uncompromising. I get upset if he says something and things don’t go that way. I sometimes forget life happens.
I wasn’t flexible. I hated last minute plans. And he was super flexible. Most of his friends and family only made last minute plans
I used to freak out. Get super worried. And sometimes hammer him with messages about my insecurities.