The way we were

Watched the film for the first time ever. Robert redford is so beautiful.  And Barbara.  I’ve only seen movies of the older them. 

Like it’s meant to,  I felt I could relate to it.  The hardworking nerd who loves too hard and too fast before anyone can fall in love with her.

I’ve realised patience is key. Hold on. Step back. Focus on yourself.  It’s been really hard in the last year as I fell into a depression.  Almost as if the last thing I wanted to do was focus on myself. 

I’m the type of woman who used to believe that pushing someone to reach their full potential was a good thing. It’s what my parents did despite me hating it. But it became a gesture I defined as love. As caring enough about someone to push them to be their best. Not your best. Their best.

I’ve had friends whose parents didn’t and they never really became anything or did anything in school. They barely passed, preferred clubbing and kissing boys.

Not all of them.  But most.

I didn’t even like boys.  I had the sexual urges. But other than that I didn’t really need a man. 

Sometimes I wonder, if I didn’t fall in love that first time. If that guy didn’t break me and destroy my self esteem.  If I didn’t go on a wreckless binge of douchebag after douchebag…  Anyone who’d see or pretend to see my beauty hidden beneath my fat… If I hadn’t been brainwashed to believe that a man and love were the only thing that would complete me…

I’d be on a completely different path. 

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