It’s so hard to leave what you love

It’s very rarely I’ve left things I loved. They usually left me in a puddle wondering where I went wrong.

Two years ago was the first time I decidedly chose to walk away from a place I loved. My old workplace.  

The two jobs prior to that, I left with a sense of necessity.  Things had changed.  The moments I loved no longer existed.  The people I loved had left. 

It was as if the only option was too leave.

It was still sad to go. I missed the people I left behind. I missed the parts of my work that I loved. But it felt right.

With my last job, I left at a peak. A time when I was excited. When I loved everybody and everything I did. 

I left however, out of a different necessity – fear. I was working for an ngo that was running out of funding. There were no future products in the pipeline. If they didn’t get funding I’d be retrenched.

In a city where I have no one and nothing except a cat and debt, I couldn’t afford to stay.

I took a corporate job that sold itself to be with words like bonus, permanent, pension fund and medical aid.  When you are on chronic meds, always sick and paying for your full medical aid, a 50 percent payment of it sounds like freedom. 

My old boss warned me that the corporate life would kill my soul. It did.

I was bored. Under challenged. I look back and a bit of me deeply regrets leaving. I miss my old colleagues more than i should. I yearn for them to take me back. 

It was a hard decision.  But if I stayed I probably wouldn’t have afforded to live here anymore.  I wouldn’t have been able to afford my car. Or anything.  I was living off my credit card while there. 

Thats how I feel about leaving my bf. I love him. I love talking to him. I love how he fulls my empty flat with his presence.  I love how he looks at me.  I love how he holds me. I love him he sometimes opts to do things just because I want him to. 

But at the same time, I don’t feel fulfilled. 

In love you shouldn’t use words like should, expect, need… Saying things like you should be here when I’m sick or i expect you to keep in touch with me just kills the romance.

Maybe it was a great love that ignited too fast. We both weren’t prepared. We were both still licking old wounds when we leapt off the proverbial cliff together.

A lot of harsh things have been said. Not just this week but in the years we’ve spent together.

There’s so much past, both toxic and intoxicating. 

Sometimes I think walking away is the best thing for me. Sometimes I feel that I’m walking away from something great. 

There’s a beautiful story on a podcast I listen to. It’s about the most unlikely couple. The woman describes the guy as a complete mess, as someone no one in her family accepted, nor did her friends like him. They believed they were in love. Moved together. But the move created lots of stress and depression and frustration as one person didn’t have a job and they struggled. They fought constantly. Eventually the girl moved back home, unable to find a job and make it work. A year later, her job took her back to the streets where they tried to live together. As she was strolling through, he found her.

They’re married now. They’re happier than ever. And it’s been about 7 years together… 

I don’t know. 

Decisions about love are difficult.  You know it’s not perfect but you’re not perfect either…

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