Last week, a friend told me that she had never ever thought about killing herself. I couldn’t imagine it. Since I was a kid I’d thought about it. In a bath, I’d stay under the water for longer than I could handle just to imagine drowning.
It’s been a rough three weeks but this week broke me.
It started on Monday with my flatmate emailing me out of nowhere that she wants to move out immediately.
The relationships been a mess for a while so I was kinda happy. I imagined my bf and his sister moving in. They’re looking to move, I have a place. It’d be like family. They have furniture, I have nothing, we’d eat supper together every night. In my head it seemed perfect.
Then bamn, Tuesday morning my bf says that it’s not ideal for his sister cos we have issues to sort out. Not hey, can we talk about this, I don’t think it’s a great idea. Just no.
I cried that morning. Bubble burst.
I’ve spent three years with him. And he doesn’t even want to consider moving in. He doesn’t see it as an option. Even though he knew my other option is to relocate back home without a job cos I’m almost 30 and I don’t want to live with a stranger.
So I ask him to give me space cos he was just at me and defensive about everything. And I was in dealing mode.
Then Wednesday at work I just get smacked down. Sick again. Twice in one month. I was feverish with body aches. I felt like shit. And on top of it I had to drive out in crazy traffic. It was miserable.
On Thursday he calls me and I tell him I’m sick but he just goes on about whether we can talk. So I go off at him. I say I’m sick and it’s like he doesn’t even care. He goes on about me shutting him out. It snowballs. This morning I message him about needing him, needing someone to be there for me. He breaks up with me.
I’m alone. I have nothing left here. My only option is to relocate without a job and move in with family.
I just really need a hug right now.
I know it seems like I’m overreacting but I really want to give up. I don’t want to struggle like this anymore. I’m not gonna do anything but in my heart I don’t wanna live.
I once told a shrink that people kept deserting me, friends never stayed. And he asked me what am I doing wrong.
Maybe I really am just a shitty person. And everyone who jumped out my life saved themselves