We all agree that weight is an emotional issue. It may not have started that way but it becomes hugely emotional.
Being fat becomes an emotion. As does being ugly.
I just watched a Ted talk:http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KfK3eK-kOQA
It’s about a woman who lost weight but still feels fat and still feels judged for being fat. (cos somehow being fat is a horrible thing to be)
I’ve always believed that losing weight would make me happy and confident and successful. Then I remind myself that I told myself that even when I was thin. I didn’t see my sunken hollow eyes, only the bit of flab on my tummy and I believed if I just lost it id be happy, I’d be successful, I’d find the man of my dreams and I’d write again. My belly was holding me back.
It’s not true. Sure I’ve had some traumatic experiences as a fat kid. But my weight as an adult is an excuse. An excuse to hide. To not face my fears and say I’m just not able to right now cos I’m fat.
It’s protects me from being hurt. And the more I feel I’m still able to do stuff and be great, the more weight I pile on.
And it’s not about food. This week I ate until my tummy hurt. Not because I wanted to. Not because I enjoyed what I was eating. But because I felt empty. I stuffed myself until my tummy hurt.
The times I lost weight in life was when I was not trying to lose weight. I was just enjoying life.
I need to find my passion. I don’t know what I love doing anymore. I don’t know what I want. All I do is sleep eat work and be unhappy.
I need to pull myself out this rut