The doormat 

I’ve lived in this city for four years and is struggled to make friends. I also lost old friends that I thought I was potentially close too. Either they moved away or there was an issue or they were just too busy to keep in touch with me from the start. 

But I still keep trying to make friends. With anyone,  everywhere.

There’s the girl who spent every single day for five months during my lunch break talking to me about her wedding and life and plans. She goes out almost every week. Shes never invited me to join her for anything.  I’ve even hinted that I was free and I can come and she’d just laugh it off.

But when it came to me helping her writing or teaching her editing, she wanted me to meet her all the time and even asked me to write out ideas for her. 

Then, another girl from work. Shes in a bad place, we chat and talk. She finds out stuff about me and tells the whole office. I’m like cool. We were meant to gym together and stuff. Then she finds someone else to drive her around and bn she’s gone. She got a promotion but we still work in the same department but she never talks to me. Initially I tried to keep chatting to her but she just shut me down. 

The kicker: after spending the night at her house bonding, I bump into her at a restaurant near work. We’re both standing getting coffee.  Shes with a friend.  And she completely ignores me. Completely.  As if I didn’t exist.
Now the latest two women I’ve tried to befriend:

The first is the girlfriend of a college. Met her about five months back. The college offered for us to be girlfriends and hang out.  But I never hear from her. Tried chatting to her on whatsapp a few times. Nothing.  

Then this week she asks me for money for her bfs birthday.  I’m broke I say I can’t right now. Suddenly she’s writing on my fb wall saying she can’t wait to meet up.

The second is the gf of my bfs friend. We’ve met twice. Both times we were not sober and with the bfs. We’ve never chatted other than those two times. 

And she also asks me for money earlier this week. 

And the kicker, today on pay day after not chatting since, they both again ask me for money. 

Then the real kick in the butt. The bfs cousin. Sure she’s not in a good place.  But I tried to help out. She’ll never chat to me or invite me anyway but will ask me to buy her electricity. 

Do I look like I’m loaded? Or do people just assume I’m someone who’ll never say no?

There’s also another girl I met in university.  She randomly came to my office once cos she needed someone to talk to. She chewed my ears off,gave me a lecture about my life and disappeared. Months later she tells me she needs help with a video thats due in three months time. I say cool. She brings the footage to me the night before its due and expects a miracle. After a long day at work, I had to sit and do her work.

I helped her because she was a friend.  I haven’t seen her since. This was three years ago.

I’ve been really starting to question if something is wrong with me. Maybe people genuinely don’t like my company. Maybe they see me as a pushover? Maybe I annoy them?

Or maybe that’s how I’ve treated my friends? Maybe it’s karma? 

I get on with older people. Like 30 years older. But how much can u meet up with them? They have lives and Families and shit in order. 

I feel like somehow I’m putting out a sign to people saying “use me, I’m easy”. 

I go all in in relationships and friendships but that’s because people who do become close to me become a priority to me.

Even my bestie who I’ve known since 2000… She calls me her bestie,our birthdays are 11 days apart, we both turning 30 next year… But she didn’t think once about celebrating her birthday with me. Instead she’s asked another friend who’s just over a month before her to celebrate their birthdays together… Who’s also in a different city.

Is there something wrong with me? I know I sound whiny but I’m tired.  I’m tired of being alone and I’m tired of waiting to mean something to someone. Anyone.

I just want someone to want me in their lives. Not to use me. Not because they need something.  but because they just want me there. They enjoy time spent with me.

Sometimes I feel I shoulda just stayed at home. Never left. Stayed in the arms of people who love me.

I’m just worn out by this life. It’s always something. I just feel like who i am will never be good enough for anyone… 

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