It’s driving me insane. I make a resolution that I’m going to avoid fighting in the relationship and then he just goes off at me.
So here’s the situation. Its the day before pay day. I’m broke. Until recently I didn’t care and would swipe my credit card. I’d swipe it for food and things I didn’t need. I was spending More than my salary every month.
So I decided to budget. And I’m trying to stick to it. It’s not easy. But I’m trying.
So yesterday afternoon the bf tells me he’d like to come over. It wasn’t necessarily because he missed me. Well he does but that’s not how he put it.
The plan was I’d pick him up from work and we’d go to his place. I had 60 km of petrol left. It wouldve worked. I made my room clean. Thawed some chicken for supper. Made a trip to collect a canvas I made for him. Then bamn.
This morning he calls and tells me some story about teaching his friend how to use the train and that he needs to go home first. When he tells me this plan I already said I’m ot sure if I can drive it and he said it’s cool he’d go home and make his way to me.
I don’t know how teaching his friend to use the train links to going home first or links to needing to get clothes. I’m not going to assume anything but the Plan didn’t come out of thin air. He could’ve packed a bag this morning. Plus I have two t-shirts of his at my place.
Not the point.
So I tell him I can’t drive all that way because I don’t have enough fuel but if he could scrape together a tiny bit of money then I will. He decides to cancel because he’s broke too.
Like what?! He said this morning it didn’t matter if I can’t drive, he’d still make his way to me. Now it’s like he just expected me to come and since I’m not our plans are off. He suddenly has no means to make it to my place.
So I send him an sms saying I’m a little upset but it’s cool Ill get over it.and that it feels like he doesn’t wanna come over anymore.
I leave my phone at my desk. Go to the bathroom. Chat to my friend.
I come back and I see two missed calls and a voice mail.
He left me a long agro message, saying that I’m making this into something big when it’s not and now I’m not answering his calls and I’m just talking at him and i don’t understand his situation and what he’s going through. He just went off at me.
It really hurt and upset me. I was like what just happened. I was gutted. I almost went to the bathroom and cried. It really made me that upset.
So I smsed him like wtf.
And he left another message saying if I want to talk to him I can call.
But now I don’t want to talk to him. He just assumes things and goes off at me.
A lot of my financial issues originated from not being able to say no to him, from always trying to please him, from always making a way for him. He never asked me too. But I did it. I don’t blame him. I don’t hold it against him.
I always felt like if I stopped giving, he’d leave. If I stopped trying, he’d leave. I also felt that if he suddenly made money or had a car, he’d leave.
My self esteem was at its lowest. But I’m done thinking like that. If people don’t want to be in my life, I can’t force them. And if people don’t want to b with me because of who I am and not what I give them then they can leave. I make a point to try and accept people for who they are and if they can’t do that for me than what’s the point of them being in my life.
Today I almost gave in. I almost swiped my credit card and drove to him.
But I’m done proving myself to people. I’m done over compensating. I’m done feeling like I have to keep giving for someone to love me.
I’ve given beyond my means and now when I’m screwed there’s no one around to give me anything. So forgive me for finally trying to put myself first and everyone else in the world does.
If u want to leave then leave. I’m done chasing people.