Happiness

That moment when you wake up one morning and it feels like the dark clouds have lifted. You can see again. You can feel again. Your mind feels clear again.

In my teens such mornings usually came after excessive drinking.  Excessive as in half a bottle of wine and passing out.

I remember once watching myself in a mirror drink straight from the bottle.  then walking through my parents house holding onto walls.

After the bf and I spoke on Friday, I made a huge realisation.  I don’t know if this happens in every relationship or only when the power dynamics are unbalanced.  But I realised that for the two years we had been together, I’d never felt secure. I always feared he’d find someone else. I think it’s because the first time around I wasn’t good enough and since nothings changed, I didn’t believe I’d be good enough.

I never got to a point in the relationship where I felt his love and commitment was a given. Where I felt safe enough to continue with my life. I constantly felt like I was still trying to win his love and every day I’d be wondering whether or not he loved me. Even though he said it. Even though he tried his best to prove it to me. There were days were I felt his love and I’d be floating and smitten and happy but the moment he left, fear would knock on my door.

He could have got a piece of the moon for me to prove that he loved me. And Id put it up and be happy. But the next day I’d be doubtful again. And him hiding things and lying about stuff really didn’t help.

Thats what made me insecure and needy and depressed every time i felt he didn’t give me enough affection. Or just every time… Every time he didn’t answer a call, or was late or went out with friends. I wouldn’t be rational. I’d sink into a negative tirade that consumed all logic. I couldn’t stop it. And I was afraid that being secure, and letting him be free would just blind me.

It was mostly in my head. I was proving my insecurities one mistake at a time.

On Friday he’d said that’s it’s been so hard to grow in the relationship because every week we’re fighting, every week the focus is on the relationship and then it’s three months later and nothings change.

What he did with the side chick wasn’t cool. I have those two photos etched in my mind despite deleting them. His lips so close to her neck… His arms so tightly around her…

I don’t know how far it went. I’ll never know how far it went. But now I know I can further trust my gut. I don’t have to fear whether or not his flirting with other women.  I’ll know. I knew every time this woman was back in his life. I felt it before I saw it. I just need to trust me.

My friend at work just got really upset when I told her about my side of things before Monday. About why Monday felt so crazy for me. She made me aware that how he treated me wasn’t right.  That I’m not fully to blame. If there was something wrong in the relationship he could have chosen to talk. Not become distant and beyond friendly with another woman.

But as I said, I’m done with it. I’m done with this other woman. I never wanna hear about her or have anything to do with her again.

In my last relationship I was the secure one. I went on with my life knowing the relationship with my ex was a given. I never doubted him.  I never felt like I had to be worried when he was out drinking.  I was even cool with him going to a strip club when I wasn’t around. 

But he was insecure. He got depressed every time i went out. He was constantly worried about what I’d do when I was.out with friends.

So I’d lie to him. Not to hide anything. But to maintain my freedom. To keep the peace in the relationship.  To avoid yet another fight.

Thats why I understand everything my boyfriend has done. I understand it. That’s why I stay… Because I’m guilty of it too. And I constantly measure my expectations of him to myself. it’s like the reasonable person test.

And yes I’m happy now so all this makes sense and I feel rational and stable. So at this moment I can let go of the hurt and pain and past and just be happy with us. Enjoy the moments we share. Enjoy the little things.

Like the way he holds me at night. And his smile. And the way we hold hands when we drive somewhere. And the way he shuts me out when I play my music and sing really loudly really badly. And the way he thinks every morning he can get ready in ten minutes but then takes an hour. And the way he slow down to let me take a million photos of the sun rise or sunset without me asking him to. And the way he doesn’t judge my food cravings. And the way we can spend a whole day lying in bed watching movies. And the way he sneaks a James bond movie into the playlist when he thinks I’m falling asleep.

At the end of the day, I really love this man. And I haven’t been fair when it came to him loving me. I haven’t been open to the idea that he could still love me even when I felt unlovable.

I apologised to my boyfriend. I asked him if he could give us another shot.

And for the first time in the relationship, I’m going to make a note of working on me. Not us. And in the end, if we don’t work, I’ll still be whole. I’d still have me.

Step one is to lose weight and feel confident in my body again.

Step two is to do whatever I want to do with or without him.

Step three, which is the hardest, make friends and meet up with other people.

Here goes…