I’m sunbathing in my bedroom thinking about food. Relaxed after a massage. Hiding from my neighbours whose geyser broke and who I offered my shower. It sounds mean but I did leave my gate wide open to let them know I’m here.
I wanna go outside and lie in the sun reading a book like I used to. But the wind is cold and I have work to do. And gym to get to.
Is it possible to forget how to write? To weave words together in a dance of language?
I joined a writing club to try and get back into it. But my friends girlfriend came and took over it. We don’t like each other. I wanted it to be just my friend and I like we didn’t in primary school. I wanted to reconnect with my friend not have her girlfriend take over the group.
The bf and I spoke yesterday.
He said he doesn’t know if there’s hope for us. Yeah. He said a lot.
I need to sort myself out. Sort my head out. Focus on me. Not stress about the relationship.
I don’t know. After yesterday’s talk I just feel worse about myself. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I’ve never got to the point where u stop worrying that they’ll leave because the relationship is stone.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what my purpose is. What my next step is.
I wanna make money.
I want to travel.
I want to experience the world.
I want a house and a family and a dog and a swing on a big tree.
I want to see the sun.
But I don’t know what I want to do.
I don’t want to work in an office all day.
I’ve always believed I’d make a good teacher….
But to change career paths again? And no teacher makes lots of money. I don’t want to start back at the bottom. I want to grow. But I want to grow out.
I feel lost.
A shrink once told me that there are no setbacks. If you want to do something and you’re not, it’s because you just don’t want it enough. His example was that if I really wanted to do a euro trip I could save enough to back pack through it. But I also want a comfortable trip.
People tell me about spending holidays in one star hotels in India and I can’t imagine it. Not India. Maybe that’s what I need. To be pushed out my comfort zone.
I don’t know. As much as I don’t like myself at the moment, change comes one step at a time. I can’t transform over night.
Just gotta keep on keeping on