Stop the clock

You know that moment when something happens and you can’t move. You’re stuck. Heart pounding. Nothing else to think about.

You just sit. Motionless. Staring. As if moving will change everything.  As if moving needs you to make a decision.

I felt like that on my birthday this year. I couldn’t move. My friend in Oz kept giving me reasons to get up. But I just lay there. For hours.

You think, maybe if I just stay still enough I can go back. Or i can not exist for a moment. Or i can feel better again.

I don’t know.

But it’s as if everything just stops.

I’m not perfect.  I’ve made really shit decisions in my life. I’ve spent half my life praying to move away from the people who love me the most.

I believed that on my own I’d become something.  Someone.

I was wrong.

You don’t become someone on your own. It’s the people beside you who get you there.  As much as they annoy. Or drive you crazy. Or don’t understand you. They’re always there. They’re always by your side pushing you forward.

And when you get stuck and lie on your bed for hours, they find you. They call you downstairs to eat.  They make sure you have everything you need. They sit with you. And when it’s time to go to bed, they tuck you in and make sure you are okay.

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