A side thought

I can blame myself over and over.

I can say yes, I’ve been difficult for a year. I’ve been driving my boyfriend away. I can’t communicate. I’ve been depressed.  I’ve put on weight. I don’t feel attractive. I don’t act attractive. 

I can go on and on blaming myself.

But regardless of how difficult I may be, it will never be the reason my boyfriend ran into another womans arms.

It was ages ago. I’m gonna let it go.

But at the time he met her, he’d fukt up. It wasn’t about me. He’d been lying to me while I was at home.

And at the time she was over at his place, I was planning a party for his birthday with his sister.

There was never a long enough point when we were apart where they could have built a relationship. There was never a time when I had felt like what we had was over. We were always working on things between us.

So whatever was happening with this chick was continuous.  It wasn’t a moment.  It wasn’t one day.  She didn’t lie when she said he kept going back to her. Maybe he really liked her.

There’s one day that really really hurts. It was the sat after my birthday.  my birthday was on a Tuesday.  We had a fight on that Monday. I didn’t see him the rest of the week.  I didn’t go to work the rest of the week. I was extremely depressed. I spoke to him on Saturday morning explaining it via whatsapp.  I told him I really don’t want to spend the night alone. I begged him. He said his sisters friend had a party. I said he can chill there for three hours and I’ll pick him up. He wouldn’t. At about ten pm I couldn’t be alone.  I drove to his place thinking that if he’s not there I’ll sleep in my car. Anything not to spend another day in a hole.

When I got to his place he was there. He screamed at me. Pushed me away. I asked him if I can just spend the night. He told me to leave twice.  I went back three times. Cos I was depressed.

Five minutes after he got into my car, he was fine. He was all over me.

Apparently the chick was there that night. I assume it’s why he was so mad ne just rocking up at his place. Now he says I can rock up whenever I want.

I just got sent a photo of him holding her really tightly. Wearing a garland on her head that he’s since hung up on his bedroom door at home. And the photo of the two of us that was on his wall disappeared.

I don’t know if I can get over that night. That feeling of really needing him after the worst week of my life. And him choosing to be with someone else.

It really hurts. I need to look forward. I can’t hold on to all that pain.

My friend at work says if he gets rid of this one then what about the next one and the one after that.

What hurt is that I knew about this one. He knew I knew. From the beginning when he became distant and blamed me. I knew. And he continued to see her. He continued to flirt with her. He kept her because he didn’t have faith in us. The whole time I had thought we were working on things.

As difficult as things got, he had a choice to fight for us or to find comfort in someone else’s arms…  Without first ending things with me.

I decided to delete the photo. I decided to delete the chick and to block and delete the guy from work. It’s the past. I decided that I never want to speak about her again. I never want to hear about her again. I don’t want to see anything about her.

She asked the married guy at work if he’d invite her to his birthday party.  With his wife there. Cos she doesn’t care. She couldn’t give a fuck about anyone but had posted things like this on her instagram :

image

Im done with her. I’m done being scared that she’ll win over my boyfriend. I’m done fearing that he’ll leave.

It’s not even about her. It’s about him. His decision to keep her in his life.

All its done is make my relationship more and more difficult.

As for my boyfriend. He says he doesn’t know if we have a future. He says if I’m this doubtful then he doesn’t see any hope for us.

I’m broken. Shattered.

I’ve asked myself a million times this year if he is who i want to be with. I’ve made pro and con lists. I’ve thought about it for hours. And the answer is always the same.

I want him in my life.

I didn’t push him to want to fornicate with another woman but I blame myself.

I love him so much. But does he deserve me? Maybe I’m his nightmare. His biggest challenge in life. Maybe he can’t really handle me.

Just because you think you are amazing doesn’t mean everyone else does.

I hate that this has happened to us. I can’t help thinking I’m an idiot. He fooled me once the first time he cheated on his ex. Then there was his other ex gf and the kiss kiss smses and the missing box of chocolates. Then he confessed that in the first six months he was still missioning other woman while spending weeks w me. Then there was this chick. Since october. Til now.

Am I an idiot? I know people look at me and go why do you keep giving this guy everything you are.

But I love him 😦

I can only fix myself and hope that somehow things can still turn around. If it’s not meant to be then it’s not meant to be. I can handle it. I handled it before. I can handle it again.

If it doesn’t work out with him, I never want to go through this again. I’d rather be single, living with my parents then revealing myself to another person.

There’s two celebrities who just won best couple… Not even a year after a scandal broke out where the guy was cheating on his baby mama.  And now the award the homewreckers who speak of undying love and mock the ex for having photos of the baby daddy in her house.

What is wrong with society?

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3 thoughts on “A side thought

  1. You don’t drive cocks into other people’s vaginas. If he had a problem it was HIS job to talk about it in the relationship. NOT your fault

    Like

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