Interested in mental health, I once opted to go for seminar on mental disorders for work. There i watched one of the most interesting takes on depression. It was positive, forward looking. I wanted to write an article about it but I never got to it.
The professor had spoken about depression as a sign that things need to change. A realisation that your life has become too small and you need to jump out…. From pond to stream, from river to sea. It’s the phase before you realise your next step.
Rock bottom exists as a space to pause. To consider. To realise that things aren’t working as they are and things need to change.
Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes days.
I feel like in the last year, since May 2015 perhaps, I’ve been in this hole. I feel as if on happy days I was just pretending to stick my head out. Pretending to be okay. But all from functioning was from within this hole. I was comfortable in the dark. I was safe.
After watching Mel Robbins Tedx talk as suggested by a fellow reader, I realised that all I’ve been doing is waiting. Waiting for my body to want to exercise. Waiting for my head to stop craving carbs. Waiting for myself to want to learn after effects. Waiting for inspiration to write or draw or refind myself.
Now and then I’d realise that I wasnt great company, that I was sinking, that things needed to change. But then I’d wait for myself to want to change.
I was happier wallowing in self pity. Recapping everything that went wrong in my life. Everything that hurt. Everything that I used to be when I was at my best.
Sometimes I feel like my ideas and thought flow and conversation was better when I was at university. But instead of working on bettering myself I moped.
Mel Robbins says you have to force yourself out your comfort zone. There isnt a right time or space or moment. Every day you have to jump out and force yourself. Don’t hit snooze.
It’s hard. But it’s the only way.
Even with the bf, I’ve been waiting for him to just smother me with love… Because I haven’t been feeling very loving to myself.
I feel a bit better today. Got up not wanting to get out of bed. It was 8:20am and I was still hitting snooze. I needed to be at work at 9 and with recent emails about late coming, I jumped out and was ready in ten minutes. Then I hit the worst traffic imaginable. There was rain, rockfall and wreckage. Somehow I got to work at 9:03. Then the sun came out and I just felt alive again. Full of energy. Ready to conquer everything.