To go on or not to

I’m still angry about what happened with the bf on Monday. Yes I overreacted but he was also a douche.

We’re going to talk today and I don’t know what to say. Do I say my period made me act nuts? But at the same time you could have made the situation better by communicating?

Don’t say you gonna spend the day with me only because you are busy the next couple of days. Even after I said look let’s meet another day cos I’m tired and I’m gonna be busy early in the morning. Don’t say there’s a last minute party your sister said is on but it’s her friends and u just play rugby with them so you don’t have to go. Don’t say you’ll let me know when your sister gets back to you.

Then on the way home after an hour and a half extended trip because I was nice enough to drive you home to get a cellphone you said you were ok not having that night, u say you have to go to the party and that you told me you were going.

Even if it’s for an hour. Don’t drop it on me like that was the plan all along and make it seem like I’m at fault because I didn’t listen to you. I did listen to you. You did not say that the party was the definite plan tonight.

If you want a drink say you want a drink. If you feel the need to be social say so. If you wanted to meet your sister to see if she had your phone. Say that.

Don’t say that I didn’t hear you correctly. And then make me seem crazy when I’m upset. That I just want to start a fight. And then walk out mid conversation because you are incapable of hearing me out.

Urgh.

So yes we’re gonna talk tonight.

I was thinking, that the biggest problem when it comes to change is acceptance.  We’d rather deny there’s a problem and stay comfortable than accept that this isn’t right and make the change.

I can’t expect my bf to not treat me a certain way and not do things if I still allow it. If I let it slide. 

Fuk I’m angry again. All riled up.

And I know I messed up. I know I acted crazy.

For some reason we just keep fighting. Every week.

People say it happens after a year. I’ve never been with anyone this long to know.

I guess in a way it because two people are fighting to maintain a piece of themselves.  They’re fighting losing who they are to the relationship.  They’re fighting for their freedom.

Does that mean two people aren’t really compatible?

Like much of our fighting was about that chick because I expected him to be considerate and nip the issue at its start. Not wait 6 months until we’re both exhausted about the chick and tired of fighting…. Why? To keep his freedom?

Yes I shouldn’t expect him to do anything.  I know. 

But I just want a companion who just wants to try and understand me and be there for me.

Maybe he’s dealing with too much in his life. Love isnt his current priority.

First it’s getting his car. Then the house with his sister (yes not with me). Then its finishing his studies. Then it’s getting his dream job, dream car and buying expensive whisky and clothes. And maybe after all that,  he’d have time to focus on us. To work on us. And to give us what we need.

I bought us the John gray book to help us find our triggers and help us avoid all this fighting. But it’s nowhere on his to do list.

I’m nowhere on his to do list.

I even suggested therapy for us. He didn’t  seem interested.

He doesn’t remember our plans. He doesn’t set dates. He doesn’t consult with me if I’m cool doing something even though the plan had been for us to be together. He’ll drop plans with me for people who mean nothing to him or who don’t actually treat him well.

Like that side chick. Like some random friend of his sisters. Like any person who may ask him out to a drink. Like the guys who aren’t his friends but he plays touch with them.

He’ll plan cheap things to do with his sister and her friend but with me he just wants to stay at home and watch series and he moans when I plan something to do. He won’t be interested until someone says wow thats so cool. Then he’s all I can wait to do this.

Like I bought a voucher to go shooting in jan for my birthday. He was too busy flirting w the side chick to remember that I had made those plans. He was happy to take what I gave him and walk away when we fought. Urgh. January.  The month still hurts me. I thought we were working on the relationship but he was just there cos I asked him to be. Mentally he wasn’t in the relationship at all. Anyway so I mentioned the shooting voucher several times in the last 6 months. He just said ya ya. Then I say I need to do it now. And on Saturday he tells his sisters friend and she goes on about how cool it is and suddenly he’s excited about it and can’t wait.

I don’t mind waiting for him to achieve his goals and become the man he wants to be. I love him. I love him at every step. But I’m tired of waiting for him to see me as important.  I’m tired of waiting for him to be ready to talk about our future. He knows I won’t have a place to stay in April next year. But his plans don’t include me.

And I keep saying it to him, but I don’t know if I’m right or I’ve just watched too many Hollywood romcoms, but sometimes I really don’t think I’m the one for him. I don’t think I make him happy.  I don’t think he sees the same future with me that i see with him. I feel like if I just let go of trying to make the relationship work we would just drift apart. We wouldn’t even break up. It would just fade out.

I don’t have experience with men so I don’t really know what’s normal. 

I know that another guy will just have another set of issues. They’re different.  I’ve known men who were interested in knowing everything about me, who’d remember date plans and who’d always be there for me but we’re flawed in bigger and worse ways.

People keep asking me why I’ve stayed with him this long. I mean he cheated on me. He’s lied to me repetively. And then had other women he was flirting with on the side. He’s had angry outbursts and things have sometimes felt very one sided.

Until Sunday I believed that I stayed with him because we had that connection when we first met. Because I felt he got me. We were the same. I felt that maybe I’d finally found my partner in crime. The soulmate my heart has been yearning for. I felt that with him I could be myself.  He got my lame jokes and stupid comments. He got that I’m grumpy in the mornings and hed make that effort to ungrumpify me.

I thought that would be enough to keep us going but sometimes we just feel so different.

He doesn’t understand my family situation.  He thinks I hide him because he’s black. I don’t think he believes me when I say that if we work on making our relationship stable, I will introduce him to my family. I want to know that there will never be another girl that comes between us. I don’t want to be another clichéd interracial divorce with a black husband who cheated. Yes all races cheat. All men cheat. All over the world people cheat.

I wanna be in a relationship where I feel safe. Where I can sink into my relationship cocoon and know I found the husband who’s worth a million.

Somedays I feel my boyfriend is that man. I’m so happy I could burst. Other days I feel like I’m just his side dish.

Also I think he feels that the relationship isn’t legit until my family knows.  But even my brother hides his girlfriend because my family gets crazy attached and crazy in our business.

I also cant see myself with anyone else. Yes I want to be rich. I want to be out of my hole. I want to have a house and a dog and be comfortable.

I feel old. I don’t want to play games.  I don’t want drama.

I want good conversation. Some bickering. But mostly i want to know that the person I’m with loves me enough to try everything they can to make it work.

I want to know that I’m not someone they can easily walk away from no matter how crazy I get.

I read an article today about asking yourself the hard questions about whether to stay in your relationship.

I’m not in the right head space to answer it all. I’m sad. I can feel the negative tint on my lenses. I can feel the heaviness of my heart.

Today is not the day to make decisions. Today is the day to make a plan to be a better me.  I know I have a lot of work to do. And I’m ready to do it.

I know I have a lot of w

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