I feel shamed. Deeply embarrassed. Especially walking through my place again. All the people who heard or saw me chase my boyfriend down ten flights of stairs in socks, screaming after him.
I lost all control.
I reached rock bottom.
It hurts a lot. I can’t keep doing this.
It’s as if he evokes my deepest fears. Or the past we’ve had has in a way been traumatic for me and now when there’s those triggers of things he did in the past I just go berserk.
When I unknowingly was the other woman, he’d do things like not answer my calls for days, disappear, walk away and say he’ll be back but then he doesn’t come back and neither does he answer my calls.
In the last two years these things have happened but on a smaller frame. Initially when hed walk out and disappear I’d just let him go. I was secure, I was self assured. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer his phone and he’d have excuses….
I don’t know. I feel worn out. I feel so deeply hurt that I’m just numb.
I feel judged. I feel talked about.
The crazy girl on the fifth floor.
These are things I wouldn’t even tell my best friend. The lows you go down when u feel abandoned, alone, not good enough, unlovable… So close to insanity. Ugly.
He messaged me now just to say he has his phone. I didn’t respond. I have nothing to say.
I need to find me.
I need to be happy with me.
Five years ago I had the best year of my life. I became the strongest, most fearless version of myself. And then I lost my virginity to a douchebag.
Now I feel chipped. Tainted. Broken. Like a doll without a head that no one wants.