–I wrote this two weeks ago. Seems fitting to publish it now… Unfinished as it was—
People say let it go. If you choose to stay then let it go. Enjoy your relationship. Enjoy each other. Be happy.
But I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I’m in a low space currently. I’m sensitive and unsure of myself. I also know it won’t be much longer before I’m back to feeling like me again now that I know what the problem is.
I think the main feeling is that I feel unsafe. I feel sensitive and I thought my boyfriend could be my cocoon to keep me protected and now theres a tear in that cocoon.
My current boyfriend. I met him while in a long distance relationship. There wasn’t an instant attraction but one grew as I got to know him. We worked together and he kept peeping into my office. We had flirty banter conversations and serious life coversations and suddenly he seemed incredibly sexy to me. He was a charmer and everyone liked him.
Being in my relationship and feeling that pull towards another, I decided to stop talking to him. I don’t think he noticed that I had distanced myself since he was in his own relationship.
In Feb 2013, I walked in on him typing a very long email. It was one of the first few times that I decided to end it with my long distance boyfriend because ot became too draining. On that day, in the wake of a new single life, I found out that the email he was typing was to his girlfriend and they broke up too.
It felt like fate. Destiny. I was instantly attracted to him again. I constantly fantasised about him. I knew that I wanted him. I continued things with my boyfriend for another month, mostly out of pity and the loss of having someone to talk to every morning and night. Finally we ended things.
On April 6, it wouldve been a year that my ex and I were going out. The week before I’d moved out of a horrible lightness garden cottage into a flat. The guy, now also broken up with his girlfriend, looked after my cat and helped me moved. Even my roommate saw the sparks between us. I was crazy about him.
On April 6th, he invited me for a drink because he’d locked himself out his place. It was weird. We were drunk. And around 2am, we had sex for at least 5 hours.
I thought it was a once of thing, that we’d pretend it never happened. But the next day at work he smiled at me as if he saw through me. He best smile. The one that lights up his whole face and makes my heart implode with affection.
We saw each other for 6 months. On and off. There were moments when hed hurt be so deeply, I’d fall too the floor sobbing. I think it’s because I never believed he’d hurt me. He was so charming and sweet and caring… Each time I never saw it coming.
Then things changed. He was dismissed from work. He disappeared. And it got harder to see him. The naive girl I was then had already seen a future with him and I felt lost that the dream no longer seemed possible. In October I gave him an ultimatum, to be in a relationship with me or leave. After a week he told me we can be in a relationship. He’d say things like after a month I can meet his sister and then say his sister was away. There were things that were odd that I’d pick up on like my name being something else on his phone or him suddenly disappearing. And it would hurt but I’d believe his excuses and let it go.
Because I loved him. Because I trusted him. Because I was secure about who i am. Because I thought what we had was real and beautiful and I never expected that the reality would be anything less.
In December 2013, while he was visiting his home city, I felt like something wasn’t right. We were meant to meet the night before he left but he refused to answer my calls. I sobbed all night and then I realised something was up.
I still didn’t believe I was a side chick to him. I emailed his ex saying that I understand the love they had, and woman to woman, if she thought that it could be revived I’d step on the picture because I didn’t want a stupid chick fight over a man.
She asked me to meet her and showed me that every time I thought I was dropping him off at his sisters, I was dropping him off at the house they shared and had shared since September.
I was so shocked I didn’t cry about it for over a month. I’d just lie in bed thinking about all the times he had lied to me. About how I had trusted him. I just kept going over and over and over every lie. In complete shock. And that there had been two other women.
Considering my past experiences with men, he had been amazing about it. He answered my calls. He met up to talk when I needed to. He responded for a month or so. Always polite.
In that moment, his girlfriend and I felt the same. Angry but unable to hate him. Unable to toss him aside for how badly he treated us. For how he used us. As hard as I tried, all I felt for him was love.
Some time around the 2 February, I made a vow that for six months I would not hook up with another man. I would stop my cycle of bad men. I would work on me. So that I was confident and secure and together and loved myself so that when the next guy came along I’d know whether or not he was worth my love.
Towards the end of the six months I’d got lonely. I did pole dancing and gymed and had lost about 16kg making me 84kg. I was fit. I felt sexy. My clothes were all loose.
The day the six months ended was the day he phoned me. He apologised. Said he’d like to meet. Said he wanted to make amends. I cried for three days. Ugly broken crying for all the pain that I had held inside. I also drank alot to make myself sleep.
After a week I agreed to meet him. It was Friday the 11th June. It was one of the best nights of my life.
For six months we were companions. Not in a relationship but lived as if in a relationship until I put my foot down again. I wanted something stable and I wanted to know where we were going
After a few fights and break ups, he came back to me. He told me that i was the only woman he wanted to me with. And without thinking I went back to him and on December 31st we became a couple… For the second time.
Only afterwards did I learn that in those 6 months and in the past, he hadn’t cared much about me. He lied about loving me. He was still missioning other women. And while it’s understandable because we weren’t officially together, it still hurt.
But we stayed together, ironing out the creases. It was painful but being with him taught me so much about me. He pushed me to stand up for myself. He allows me to be myself as dumb as I get. He reminds me to love myself. He’s also taught me to trust myself.
After I found out he’d cheated on me two and a half years ago, I thought I’d never be strong enough to love as openly as I did. And somehow he’s opened me again.
It was hard. For months I struggled to trust him, I struggled to believe him when he said he loved me. but somehow he managed to let me know I could.