The bf sent me a message now saying that he has nothing to say and is still trying to work out what happened, the reasons behind it and why I reacted the way I did.
I can’t believe what I did yesterday. a younger me vowed that I’d never chase a man. I’d never have a public argument. And Id never change who i was just so someone would like me.
Now I’ve done all three.
Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to see a shrink?
All I wanted was for him to stay and talk things through. To not leave me hanging. To not have me wasting yet another night crying over how easy it is for him to leave while wondering what if something happened to him while he walked home and this was the last moment I saw him.
Yes what I did was pathetic. But he wasn’t any more mature than i was. He decided to walk out at the climax of the fight to go to a party. Leave me angry to have fun with his friends. And he’s done it before. I’ve been at home sobbing, missing him and he’s at a party. Secondly he ran away. Literally. How mature is running away? He could have turned around when I asked him to stay and took me back inside and just calmed the situation before leaving. Even just told me to snap out of it. Gave me a time he’d be back. Instead he saw me upset and ran away, making me more upset and more crazy.
But I have to justify myself? Not him. Yeah he needed space so he walked away… To go to a party. Not to calm down and come back to readdress the situation. He saw me get incredibly upset and he didn’t care. He left.
I know begging him to stay is not the way to go.
There was a scene in a movie I’ve blogged about a lot. I can’t remember the movie now. It’s about a rich woman falling in love with a poor man who her father disproves of. The scene follows her telling her father that she loves this man and chooses him over her inheritance. The man leaves telling her that he was only with her for her money. She chases him and begs him to stay. She tells him she’d be anything he wants her to be. She falls to her knees in the rain sobbing.
Thats how last night felt.
It hurt so much i became irrational. I told him I’d go with him to the party. I begged him to talk. To deal with it. To not leave things with us upset.
I told him I need time I apart to work out what I wanted.
He didn’t respond.
I don’t think I’m over what happened with that chick. We talked, I said how he felt. He just said he’s explained things and he’s tired of talking about it. But I still feel betrayed. I still feel like he let it continue for five months even though we spoke about it over and over and over. That hurts.
It’s also the first day of my period but I’ve never really been erratic and pms-y during my period.
Feel like I’m trying to rationalise a crazy outburst. Almost don’t wanna go home in case I bump into people who saw or heard me last night.
I just want out. Just for a moment. Just to get away from everything. To have nothing matter.
I don’t wanna be anywhere with anyone. I don’t want to think about life or what I want or who i am or what I need to do to be better.
I just want to stop existing for a moment. To be weightless and meaningless and emotionless. To just be. Just for a moment