The walk of shame

Sometimes I go crazy in relationships.  I don’t know what my trigger is but it’s always a different type of crazy.

With my current boyfriend it’s a very ugly psycho. A public confrontation with begging and pleading.

Today my boyfriend and I ended up arguing and he decides to walk out. He’s walked out on me a lot in the past. Then was usually uncontactable for days.

And recently, seconds before he walks out I blurt out my fears in a wrong and accusatory way.

Today I said something on the lines of so u leave everytime so you can go back to you sidechick.

I don’t believe it but I fear it. I fear it so much that I’ve been having nightmares about it. About him being with her and buying her gifts… And in the nightmares I’d be hurt because he doesn’t treat me like he does her, he doesn’t buy me gifts.

I regretted saying it instantly. And then as he left I chased after him.

Twice now I’ve chased him as he left. Bridget Jones in underwear type of chasing.  Ugly. Public. Embarrassing. I’ve never done this before in my life. I’ve never begged a man to stay. Never.

I’d beg him to stay and talk. And he’d be angry and walk away.  and Id chase and pull him back begging him to come up and talk. And he’d push me off and run away.

The first time I held his bag to stop him and he pulled away and it broke.

Today I held his jacket and it tore.

It was worse today. I ran until I couldn’t breathe. And then as I got to him I grabbed whatever I could. Mistakenly grabbing his dreads twice.

It was really ugly. Me sobbing and calling out his name.  Him running away.

It’s disturbing. It’s desperate.  It’s not healthy.

But I felt so broken. So destroyed. Abandoned. Yes I went a bit nuts, but was it too much for him to pause, calm me down and reassure me in some way.

I don’t know what it is. He makes me feel crazy sometimes. I fall apart. Collapse. It was erratic and irrational.

And the argument.  Just another miscommunication. 

I started getting upset on the way to his place to get his phone. We’d had an amazing week together.  I was tired. I didn’t really want him to come to my place but he’d said he wanted to. So I said cool.

Just before I pick him up he mentions some party on the phone that his sister just told him about. But says it’s not confirmed. He also said it was her friends and he just plays rugby with them.

In the car after I pick him up I ask if he really misses me that he wants to spend the night with me. He says no he’s just gonna be busy tomorrow and Wednesday with his sister and goes on about everything he needs to do.

Thats when my mood changed. And he didn’t notice.  I tried to rationalise it by thinking maybe he has a lot on his mind, a lot to do. I went quiet for the rest of the trip from happy tired. He didn’t notice.

Then on the way to my place, an hour and a half after I’d picked him up, he randomly mentions the party. Asks if I’m thirsty and want nachos. I say no I’m tired. His response is okay then he’s gonna go for an hour.

I flipped. I stayed quiet at first waiting for him to ask me what’s wrong. He didn’t. Then as we get put the car, he takes his house keys which he normally leaves in the car if he’s staying at my place.

Then we get inside and he just says okay, I’ve decided I’m going to go, will it be a problem me coming back here.

I started explaining myself but he wasn’t listening,  wasn’t trying to understand how I feel and I started yelling and he walked out angry cos I said yes you always walk out.

I’ve been trying to make our relationship healthier. I’ve suggested things, bought books but I think the truth is that he’s not ready to make a relationship a priority and I am. I want stability. I want a future with someone.

Just this morning I was sitting at work thinking that I can’t imagine my life without him. I was happy. I felt like our relationship was finally going somewhere.

I’m so exhausted by these ups and downs. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I try not to get excited about anything because there’s usually a disappointment or we fight before something I had planned or we never make to back to do the things we said we would. I’m tired. I know he’s tired. But I’m willing to work through all this. I’m willing to stay. To get over the bumps.

But I don’t think he feels that way about me. I don’t think he imagines that future with me.

He goes on about buying a place with his sister and doing cooking lessons w his sister and working things out with his sister.

We been seeing each other for two years now. I don’t want it to end but every time we get to this point of fighting and uncertainty and I’m so worn out from all the ups and downs. I keep fighting for our relationship because I feel like i do truly love him. We connect. He’s important to me.

But maybe I’m not that important to him.

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