I sank yesterday. Another one of my moments. I was fine leaving the office and then when I stepped into my car I felt dizzy.
On my way to pick up my boyfriend, I suddenly felt like I was starving and soon after I had a massive headache.
I picked him up and we drove to his place. I was blogging about what my friend said about having goals and that hollowness came back.
I sank. I felt sad and hollow and empty and just went quiet. It wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about the moment.
I felt myself pull away even though I didn’t want to. I wanted to smile and tell him how much I love staying at his place and how i much I looked forward to being back in his arms.
We went to buy some groceries. And then we went to his place and he cleaned and starting making supper.
I just sat and played on my phone. Then I started obsessing about everything this guy had said and about the girl who I’d assumed wouldn’t leave my boyfriend.
When my boyfriend left to buy a missing ingredient, all I felt was hollow alone and unloved. I wasn’t hungry anymore. I was just sad. I didn’t really know why but I found myself I’m bed, tearing and feeling truckloads of self hate.
I wished I was thin and pretty and confident. Thinking it would fix all my problems.
When my boyfriend came home he saw me sad and jumped on me and asked me why. Everything disappeared. I felt myself giggle like a child.
I love this man.
We spoke about the girl and about us and then he made hot chocolate just for me.
It was sweet. It was special.
I’m really grateful that he puts up with me. I know he doesn’t have to.
I wish I could remember these little moments to keep me from sinking. To keep me positive. To keep me grateful.