A guy at work gave me a lecture today. He told me I’m almost 30 and I don’t have goals. I’m not moving in any direction. He’s 24.

He brought up my partner and said he’s not going anywhere either. Asking me what has he done to change his situation.

His conclusion was that despite everything else, we were bad for each other because we were comfortable in our flawed lives. As if we both are happy to just sink together, to not grow in our lives, to not evolve.

Kinda like drug addicts who are happy being addicted together. Neither one is strong enough to say things need to change and then work on that change. Neither is strong enough to leave a destructive situation.

I’ve been thinking about it… In light of everything else. Partly in denial. Partly hopeful.

I’ve always told myself that relationships are hard.  That no one is perfect.  I’m not perfect. I don’t react perfectly.  I don’t have my life together in a way that makes me content.  So I don’t expect that from anyone else.

I know that only I can fix my shit. Only I can want it enough to change. If my boyfriend said lose weight or I’ll dump you, it wouldn’t make me transform. I may eat better but when he eventually leaves (because my weight wouldn’t have been the real issue), I’ll just go back to as I was…

Its why I think Groundhog Day is such an amazing film. Towards the middle where he resists change, the movie becomes painful to watch, in the same way that change is painful. I love it because it accurately portrays just how hard change is. How at first you lie to yourself that you have changed then you give up then you try again… It’s not some ‘do it for 21 days’ and then you’d have formed a new habit. There’s no amount of time that can determine change.

I have a friend who became vegetarian for 6 years. One day he mistakenly took a bite of pie with meat in and, just like that he started eating meat again.

If change is that hard, is being comfortable in a relationship okay?
At what point does acceptance become mere existence?

My boyfriend and I exist each day. We’re not unhappy. We discuss goals and dreams and try out new things together. At what point is that no longer enough?

On most days we procrastinate, do nothing, spend the day in bed watching TV and eating junk. We love it. But it’s comfortable. It doesn’t push us forward.

After almost three years of getting to know each other and a year and a half of dating, I can’t imagine being with someone else. The idea of letting someone else into my world tears me apart.

I love him. I’d like to believe that he truly loves me but I don’t feel very lovable right now. That there is no other woman. That all the time we’ve spent together means as much to him as it meant to be.

But I can’t force him to be with me or feel what I feel. And if he feels we’re just existing then maybe we are bad for each other


One thought on “Existence

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