The black curtain

One of the things I struggle with when I’m low and feeling down is being negative.  That downward spiral of negativity.

I find it hard to catch myself in those moments.  To be conscious of it so I may try and feign positivity to pull myself up.

It’s as if all I see is everything that’s wrong. I’m a generally positive person.  In those moments I don’t even realise that I’m only seeing what’s bad.

They say happiness Is a choice. As if you click a switch and become happy. I keep trying. I keep talking myself out of disastrous situations such as don’t accuse the bf of cheating cos u don’t actually have proof and ur gut says he hasn’t cheated. But then I sink. Thinking about the worst possible side of him. Thinking about every time he didn’t answer my call. Wondering if he was with someone.

It’s a deep dark pit.

And I feel myself get heavier. I feel my energy drain. I feel my eyes go dull and my face become completely blank.  And In that moment,  I believe that there is no possible other explanation.  He’s been seeing her. Why would she lie to some stranger. Why would that stranger lie to me.

And slowly I kill my relationship.  Only to prove to myself that I am alone, that no one understands me and that I am indeed unlovable.

The happiness is a choice idea is just bullshit.  I wish I could tell people that I do try.  I try really really hard. I don’t want to ruin the relationship but also… Who would wanna put up with someone who keeps slipping into these dark pits? People wanna be with happy people. With unbroken people. Not with me.

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