Numb

Tw: may be explicit

I feel numb. I went to a friends party last night. It was fun.  I had fun. Went home feeling alive and great. And after hearing my bfs voice while lying in bed, I sank. The reality of my day came back.

I told my bf, that when I’m down, all I want to know is that I’m atleast safe with him. Hes not good at being there when I’m emotional.  He becomes rigged. Sometimes he gets angry. He’s even called me manipulative for crying. I understand it. He’s been through a lot. But it doesn’t comfort me. It doesn’t hold me. Wipe my tears away. Tell me everything will be.okay. I’ve tried.  I’ve sent him things to read up on. I’ve told him what I need when I’m sad. He tries things sometimes and I appreciate it and it makes me super happy but then I think he just gives up. He believes he can’t make me happy and leaves it at that.

When I’m numb, I just want to be wanted. I crave touch. Ever since I was young. I close my eyes and just feel someone brushing their lips on my neck. Really slowly. Wanting me.

This craving has led me to many bad decisions.  Many deplorable men who felt me up and kissed me but who never satiated my needs. Because they didn’t care about me. They just grabbed my tits and pulled down my pants. I didn’t have sex with them, but their hands are still imprinted on my skin, leaving me feeling more unwanted, more unworthy. Tainted.

I used to blame that feeling on being fat. Being fat made me not good enough. It made me unwanted. 

Somehow that craving to be touched became associated with love. I felt unlovable.

image

All of this baggage led me to yesterday’s bad decision and today’s waywardness.

I’m really not proud of this. There’s a guy who’s been flirting with me for a year. He flirts with everyone.  He has sex with any woman who’d have sex with him. Hes amazingly smooth.

Yesterday I went to him after hearing about my boyfriend and the side chick. I was so broken by her words that I felt numb. I wanted to be touched. To be held. And I didn’t know when I’d see my boyfriend again.

In retrospect I realise she could be making up everything and I have no real proof that he cheated.

But yesterday the news knocked me down. It’s been six months of this woman constantly uprooting my relationship. 

The friend who knew about her before saw my vulnerability as a way in.

He comforted me. Let me cry on his shoulder. Lied that we were friends.

We didn’t make out. We didn’t have sex. I hated his touch but I let him touch me. I let him shove his hand in my bra. I didn’t feel a thing. Just numb.

Then I started sobbing. Ugly sobbing. Broken sobbing.

Awkward. Because I knew that he didn’t care at all about me. He just wanted to fuck someone. Anyone. But he sat there and awkwardly patted my head.

After it happened,  I continued to feel nothing. I continued to feel numb. And then I imagined every guy other than my boyfriend brushing their lips on my neck… Craving their touch. I wanted to be grabbed and shaken alive until I felt again.

All I felt was unwanted, unworthy, ugly and numb. All I saw was my boyfriend with this young skinny woman with big boobs. It’s like that image was stuck on my eyelids and every time i closed my eyes, there they were, together.

I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend before. I’ve never cheated on a guy that I liked and who didn’t like me. In my last relationship, my emotional cheating (me thinking about another man) made me end the relationship.

It’s almost as if the whole time I was watching myself from outside myself. Completely disconnected. Completely emotionless. Dead.

I’m not going tell my boyfriend.  Im gonna go home tonight and not see him. But maybe I need to see him. After all depression causes u to isolate yourself.  Maybe this is all just a lie and seeing him will make me feel better….

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