A gray day

I’ve been bad with my diet since Friday. I’m ok with it but a part of me is stressing about losing the weight.

I’ve also been down. Couldn’t wake up this morning.  Didn’t want to talk to anyone yesterday.

The weather was rainy and cold and the cravings hit me hard in my loneliness.

I’ve been sad about a lot of things lately. I don’t know what’s actually affecting me. With depression, u just feel numb. Empty. Lifeless.

It’s like your emotional centre just shuts down.

I tend to do that I’m life, during arguments or when I speak out about things that make me unhappy.  I explain things once and if it’s still questioned, I shut down. Don’t respond. Emotionally give up.

I did this on Saturday and Sunday with my boyfriend and today with my kinesiologist. 

When you shut down,  no one ever comes back to ask if things are OK. They don’t understand that when you shut down, u are still processing things, analysing how you feel and whether how you feel is justified or emotional.

I think that because of my dips to depression,  I justify how I feel a lot. When at my lowest, a shrink had told me that my thoughts are not mine,  it’s all just a result of depression.  When people call me sensitive or emotional or psycho or naive it really affects me and I have to pull back to analyse myself. My deep self. The self I have buried so far inside myself that on a normal day I don’t know who i am.

So when no one goes back to the moment of conflict,  my resolution stays within me. I never get to explain why I felt upset or why I shut down.  And in not explaining, I feel unheard. Misunderstood. Which makes me feel alone and disconnected.

It might be the depression, but I feel like no one’s ever really known me. Except my friend in Australia who i share absolutely everything with.  But no one I see, knows me. At least I feel that way.

Sometimes I obsess about how I was right in a situation and I’ll talk about it to everyone just to reassure myself. Not to the person who was wrong. I feel that it’s up to them to realise they were wrong. I say how I feel once. And if they deny it then that’s their thing.

Just feel like I’m not in a good space right now.

My grans in hospital for a stroke. After the heart to heart my mum and I had about my gran, I feel like i should be there for my mum. But I live in a different city and I have no leave.

After the issue my bf and I had on Sunday, I feel like I’ll never fit into his life. He’s xhosa and I don’t speak the language. When with his friends and family, they all speak vernacular and I just stand on the side on my phone. If I had friends who lived in the city I could ask them to tag along so I’m less alone. But I dont have any friends here. I’ve spent three years trying to make friends. I’ve failed every time.  Well I try, I fail and then I shut down.

I feel my kinesiologist has changed from caring to just wanting to make money so she can reach her goals. On one hand she’s helped me but now I’m starting to feel like she’s just robbing me. With something like kinesiology, I feel your heart needs to be in it.

Then there’s my job. I’m not motivated to work. I’m bored. I’ve been at this point when I worked as a journalist. I just don’t feel inspired. My friends said I was just easily bored and once something had lost its appeal, I shut down.  I’m not sure anymore. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where to go after this.

It’s like the quote by the author of eat pray love… About how we need change but we don’t know what change. All we know is that what we want is NOT THIS.

Kinda just feels like I’m complaining here. Meh

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One thought on “A gray day

  1. I hope you feel better hon, you know if you don’t feel right, don’t worry about the weight at all, and just change your lifestyle with baby steps, without bothering without the scale at all, don’t pressure yourself. I’ve done that before (not comparing tho) but I pressurize myself too much and it just hurts me so much then. I hope things sort out for ya! XX

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