I’m completely exhausted. I feel like I’m constantly complaining but doing nothing to change my situation but all I wanna do is sleep. My place is a disaster. I keep forgetting to take the vitamins that I know will make me feel better.
All I wanna do is sleep. And I know tomorrow, cos it’s a Saturday and because I can sleep, I will wake up early.
I was thinking I should see a shrink. But they’re expensive and my last two appointments felt like a waste of money. Maybe there are no solutions. No sudden sparks of inspiration. I just have to get up and go. Start. Begin again.
I found this article browsing through social media: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/to-anyone-who-thinks-theyre-falling-behind_b_9190758.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000051
It spoke to me. I’m a big googler of lists and steps to be a better person, a better girlfriend, make him not cheat, wake up earlier, be more successful, more creative, more productive… Just be more.
Somedays it feels like hope. If I just follow these steps I’ll transform. Other days it feels impossible. Because all the things I need to change have a million different steps and it’s all too much. Then I sink and wake up saying “I’m going to just be me”… Til the next time I Google.
It’s a cycle. It’s hard to stop with the world/Internet constantly pointing out your flaws.
You try too hard.
Your teeth are weak.
You don’t work hard enough.
You’re not good enough.
You have a disassociative personality.
You’re passive aggressive.
You’re a doormat.
You’re stuck in the past.
You’re not productive enough.
You lack vitamins.
You don’t dress well for your shape.
Your hairs weak.
You need to eat this not that.
You need to please your boyfriend
You need to be more authentic.
You need to stand up for who you are.
And at the end of the list of everything wrong with me, all I feel is tired. Exhausted. Ready to fall where I am and sleep.