2015-06-04 14:44:28 why I hate being fat
Ive been feeling strange since my last trip home. Theres something about going home that always makes me question who i am. Spins me into doubt and levels of self hate i can barely see passed. I question my authenticity, my truth, my reality… Such questions exist only in concentric circles.
One of my most major issues in my life is my weight. It also one of the things ive never really discussed with anyone. There’s always some censorship. My weight. Or my true emotions. My shame. My embarrassment.
Being a kid on the chubby side can result in deep emotional trauma. I think thats where i am. I can remember every nurse who told me to lose weight, every classmate who mocked my extra flab and every jab i experienced at home. After a while evey hurt becomes a mark for self hatred.Even now I’m often confronted with photos of my younger self and i am shocked when i see a thin, beautiful girl in front of me. More beautiful than people i had idolised. And i remember those moments when the photo was taken – id always feel ugly and fat and uncomfortable in my skin. Any smile in the moment was fake.
And now, when i truly am fat and uncomfortable, all thats left is self hate. I’ve become the person i was afraid of being and never once have I completely let my guard down, never did i stop pretending I was okay, never did i truly accept that this is me.But now i can. Here. Where no one knows who i really am.
I hate being fat because:
1. The money I’ve wasted on trying to lose weight. From weight watchers, to weighless, to pill and teas, to exercise regimes, to electronic pulse things to dvds to magazines…. Anything that you can think off i have tried. Every time i tried something it was a confirmation- you have every right to hate yourself, you will only be worthy once you change your current self, you cannot be loved as you are. And the worst part is that there’s always someone out there trying to make money off your pain. Whether you are sick or fat or depressed, somebody is waiting to manipulate your desperate lost self and make money of you. Whether its by pretending to love you or help you or be your guide. Its bs.
2. The harsh judgement of myself. When i was a kid i never liked going out. My family saw this as me being a grumpy teen. Friends saw it as me being an introvert. Id cancel plans at the last moment and i have a fear of bumping into people from my past. The truth is that i hated my body so much i didnt want people to see me. I used to wear this old baggy jacket for months. When it was too old i got a new baggy hoodie. I dont feel comfortable unless i have something i can hide in.
Even today i have these waves of such low self esteem that I don’t wanna leave my room to go to work. I tell myself things like you are working on transforming and people already know what you look like. It stopped me from being able to do things i loved. I never went to the beach, or clubbing. I said no to most social invites and now i feel like i have no friends.
3. Comparing myself. I’ve done this most of my life. On entering a room in school or campus or work, I’d always scan the room to see if there were people bigger then me. If there weren’t, I automatically felt ugly and uncomfortable and longed for approval. If there was, i felt a little better but somewhat expected approval. In my grade 11 english class i remember who awkward i felt during class speeches. I had deemed myself to be the fattest person in class and every time i stood up there i felt that all people noticed about me was how fat i was.
4. Everything in my life became a result of my appearance. My success was held back cos i was fat. I remember telling my dad as a kid no older than 5 that I wanted to be an actress, my dad said I wasn’t pretty enough.
I became more and more self conscious believing no one liked me, constantly holding myself back cos of how i may look. If i am forever fat i will be forever unsuccessful… in love, in writing, in achieving whatever i want to. Thats how I’ve felt. The constant holding myself back. Not speaking my mind, not standing up for myself, not wearing what i want to or acting in a way that felt real…. Its all been happening for so long that I don’t even know who i am anymore.
5. Dressing up and dressing down. This ties in with number 2. Ive never had a job where I’ve been forced to dress up. My normal attire is jeans, a long top and a baggy hoodie. When i do wear something a little fitting i find myself hiding more and chatting less. Or i wear things like a belt to disguise my tummy, little jersey to hide my arms, jeans under dresses to hide my knees…
6. Physical education. As a fat chick with asthma, the trauma of physical education is no joke. Being picked last or not at all teaches you that people have a right to reject you based on your physical capabilities. I loved pe and swimming, but because of my extreme lack of self esteem i spent most of my pe lessons on the proverbial bench having forged letters to excuse myself. In high school i became the class forgerer of sick notes.
Even now im ashamed of how i look exercising. It should propell me- the energy, the idea of transformation but mostly i feel shame. I can gym. I can manage a full hour of hiit. But i never want anyone i know to see me cos all i see are my rolls and my wobbles and my incomplete movements. Not even my boyfriend.
7. Guys. Being the chubby kids teaches you the ‘he’s not in your league’ bs. Im too ugly for the great guy. Im the butt of his jokes not the queen of his heart.
Such beliefs have led me on a rollercoaster of below par guys who treated me like shit and who took more than they gave but whos little affection made me feel like i was not alone, somebody loved me. Naturally i was used more than i was loved. Knowing this however doesn’t make me feel any more worthy of a great guy.
Videos like guys responses to a fat chick confirm this. Its also not only me who believes that my appearance makes me less worthy of a great guy. Whenever people have tried to set me up with guys, they have always been the rejects of society and they still judged me.
There was never a man who fell in love with my quirkiness, my astute sense of humour or my love for adventure. It only happens in movies. Kiss My Act is me hiding, only I don’t have the guts to go back on stage and there isn’t a guy waiting to fall in love with someone like me.
I used to believe I was the Jewish woman from Mad Men and all the shitty guys were Don Drapers, looking at me with caring eyes saying “don’t tell me no one’s ever loved you”… And like Don draper, they all left.
8. Sex. Thanks to my below my league choices in men, ive never really felt self conscious about my body. Being touched became a source of approval. This led me down some messed up roads. Id crave it, id need it… I allowed myself to be used and cheated on and abused.
Naturally i always felt worse after. Apart from that, i also cant do things that id want to which makes me less experimental in bed. Less happy in relationships. Because of my feelings of self hatred i always feel like im settling for whatever will take me.
9. Always having to pull my clothes right. Over my bum. Up on my shoulders. Out of my tummy tyres when i sit. And I’m always certain people see me do it.
10. Skinny people talking about being fat. Because ive spent my whole life pretending i was ok with my body, when people say the word fat i freeze up. I cant say it. I cant comment on it. I feel like everyones waiting to point a finger at me. I get very weird. Like I’m too fat to comment on anything with the word fat.
11. For whatever reason ppl are always telling me i need to lose weight, giving me ideas on how and why it’s important that i should lose weight. Seriously, after years of being fat, dont you think id know this stuff, id have tried it. There’s no miracles to weightloss. Tips on losing weight are fairly standard. And yes putting on weight doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to lose weight.
12. Shorts, jeans and stockings. Cos my thighs rub together which makes jeans tear, shorts ride up awkwardly and stocking not go up to the top making them highly uncomfortable.
13. The focus is on me being fat. When people see me they see fat. Not how great awesome and fun i may be. Not the sparkle in my eyes. Not the talent or intelligence or drive. I lost 10kg last yr (i put it all back on) and at the time i was hardly eating and gyming regularly but the director would constantly pick on my weight and how i shouldnt go to the store for him cos i might not come back w his food.
In primary school i was an amazing dancer. I could choreograph my own stuff. For a concert i taught two girls who knew nothing about dancing how to dance. It was a major success. But at the end this chick came and told me that i ruined the dance cos i was fat and looked clumsy.
People are always mocking me. My best friend used to say my blubber was falling all over the place when i was young. I yoyoed even before my teens. I remember when i was maybe 7 telling my dad that i wanna be an actress and he told me that i wasnt pretty. Not talented enough, not clever enough but pretty enough.
14. Being unable to eat alone in public. Sure i do it more often now but i still feel ashamed buying take out. Judged. Even buying groceries or eating at a restaurant. A type of ‘im fat and should not be eating’ ashamed.
15. The yoyo-ing. I don’t even know how to explain this one but its like my fat has become my safety net, my protection. I dont know how to break the cycle, to destroy my mental and physical need to be fat.
16. The continual mental conflict. Who am i? Do they like me? Do they see past my fat? It tiring being fat especially from a young age.